( archives )
Volume 18, Number 102, April/May 2015
Happy Day Ballad
by Richard David Briggs
How sunny that ominous Saturday shone!
“Let’s go shopping Joe!” Wife sweetly said.
Off to Big City, excited we were soon gone,
Hmm just like romantic lovers without kids!
Our quiet harmony made for a happy ride;
On hot hurried highway, pick up the pace.
Oh I drove our car with such manly pride!
Hand outstretched, caress Darlene’s face.
Distance shortens as sleepy farms fly by;
Soon Expressway chaos makes me moan.
Pressure, pressure! Hell! Don’t know why!
Caught in the capital causes me to groan.
Zoom, zoom, zoom resounds in my ears;
On my left, a crazed driver squeezes by!
Beep, beep, beep, increases morbid fear;
Shows his middle finger raises it up high;
Future Fender-Bender moves in too near!
While wild bumper-chasers join the race!
“Hey, are we there yet?” asks Dumb Dear;
Hmm! Patience perturbed surely my case;
Smiles sour, transformed by chilling fright!
Stomach queasy hands soaked in sweat.
“Yes my Honeybun! So just hold on tight!
Shall show them all, on that you can bet!”
“Blazes with this!” Gas pedal to the floor,
Rusty trusty Chevy thrusts at a fast pace!
“Yahoo! Up yours!” Yell obscenities more;
Gremlin grin grabs hold of my pallid face.
She screams, “O’ Love relax! Slow down!”
Ah! Stewing rage swerves me in and out.
“Watch out! Ye-haw!” Center-city bound!
I’m strung tight as a drum, defy all about!
Frig it all! I zig-zag here and zig-zag there!
Brake much too close, cut in way too near!
Laugh in their faces, eyes glitter with glare;
Finger my nose, give them a good sneer!
Screaming demon sirens behind me howl;
In rear view mirror coloured flashing lights!
Patrolman pulls up with a seething scow!!
Uh? Even we country folk too have rights!
“Get over! Stop!” Big Badge shouts at me;
Darlene’s panic peaks, “Don’t race to win!”
“Yeah?” A real city-slicker they’ll soon see!
Gas gushes! Tires burn, squeal and spin!
Hurl a hard right! Shoot straight! Corner left!
Slide down a narrow alley onto a side street;
Run three red lights, my mind road-rage set.
Park! We each duck down low into our seat.
A mall plaza! Open door, run in at a bound!
Soon, feel ashamed about what we just did!
One hour idles by, we begin to feel at ease;
Make a break for the exit to get to our car!
Undercover cops order, “Come here please!”
Arrive at their precinct with nerves all ajar!
Arrogant Agent Andrew’s fines make me sad!
Return to our car, vow my Cherie to go slow.
Right ‘till home, she’s stinking steaming mad!
Love’s in bed, me on the sofa, wail with woe!